Cool Throne: Moscow Mules


As people mature in life, their views change. Part of growing older is taking the experiences that you have and using them to form a more educated opinion. People have known me primarily as a chief machine who knows nothing besides balling and bud. Since ash Wednesday, I have formally rebuked the Cannibus plant because of my devotion to my lord and savior Jesus H Christ. (Mostly just so I can take a T break so I can get super high on April 1st).  During this time of sacrifice, I have piced up several new hobbies like drinking a shit ton more to the point of my mother saying I have a problem (Sorry Kim), Saunaing my ass off, liking a fuck ton more picks on the gram, poding out (I guess I always did that), eating appropriate amounts of food, watching friends dogs for scratch, buying a shit ton of eth (Public Key 0xd4BA6602d7F165729792b29f2244564bF923408f), and using my phone way more than before which is really fucking saying something. There is also something that I have really changed about myself which many people have been shocked about. It is my newfound love of the Moscow Mule.

The Moscow mule is so mother fucking good. If you aren’t aware, oh buddy, let me educate you real quick. Step one, buy a fifth of Vodka. It does not matter what kind of Vodka you buy contrary to what Big Vodka wants you to believe. If you wanna spend more money on a of fifth of Titos, be my fucking guest but if you’re a gritty man like myself, an average bottle of 12$ vodka will do. (TIP: Just make sure the bottles don’t begin to stack up cuz your mom may start to question your intentions and say you’re an alcoholic ((IM NOT)) Now this next step is v important. You need to pic up a 6 pack of Goslings (No free ads) ginger beer to act as the mixy. What is so sic about ginger beer is it absolutely fucks up the bad taste of vodka. You can pour that glass fat as fuck with vodka and a couple splashes of ginger covers it all up. With one can of ginger, I reckon you can make 2.5 fat Moscows which is a pretty decent bang for your buck. What you have to make sure you do not forget is the lime/lemon juice. Usually you can buy a little container of it for < 2 bucks. Little half second squirtner and you got yourself a fucking great drink.

I know many people are questioning my loyalty to the rum and cola and my response to that is go fuck yourself. Ive drank more captain and more cola over the last 4 years to kill a, Well I’m def not gunna make a florida school shooting joke because that would be in poor taste which a Moscow mule def isn’t. They taste great therefore I won’t make a poor taste joke. Fuck that little faggot who did that and I hope they live stream the electric chair. (RIPIP Michael Clark Duncan, “I’s afraid of the dark”) I owe my life to the rum and cola and will def still drink them when I am at the bar cuz quite frankly Moscows at the bar are pretty damn expensive and I am a still poor despite being a college graduate, Thanks Obama.

PS: Normally, I have always seen the moscow mule served in a copper mug which is pretty cool at the bar cuz you can always tell if someone is drinking one but if I am being honest, I am a little woke. I don’t really think they are a necessity. Since I have been on my Moscow kick, I have yet to use a copper mug for the drink and they are still fantastic. I think Big copper (Cu) is forcing the propaganda onto the moscow market cuz the penny has been in the shitter for so long. Pennies has always been on the hot seat so this is coppers last chance to get its skin in the game. Poor copper, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.




The Lions have their guy, Matty Patty to Detroit


Hot Seat: Same ole’ Lions (SOL). Bob Quinn has doubled down on his Patriot way method by picking up the defensive coordinator from New England as his new ball coach. This move was made after the firing of Jimmothy Caldwell despite him being the winningest coach in Lions history. Stupid Lions fans that were mad at the firing are foolish because Numbers are liars sometimes. Any competent Lions fan could see that Jim took the Lions as far as he could where is seems like he topped out at 10 wins. When you have a player like Matt Stafford at QB, there is no reason why the team shouldn’t be competing for division titles ESPECIALLY during seasons when Aaron Rodgers is injured, the bears are starting a rookie QB, and the Vikes are playing with CASE KEENUM. By not winning the division this season, Caldwell essentially closed his own casket.

I am ecstatic to see what Matty can do with this defense to make them one of the best units in the NFL. It’ll be nice for him to not have to worry about the offense as much with a competent QB under center with a good line around him when they are healthy. With players like Darius Slay, Jarrad Davis, and Ziggy Ansah on the D, him installing some concepts to make them elite should be very interesting. Not to mention he is a big time stoolie and has Dave Portnoys blessing. The Lions will get no love to win the NFC North but I think they have to be the favorites. Next stop, the draft, and when you have some former Patriots doing the drafting for you, hopefully we can find some diamonds in the rough to make some noise this year.


PS: Cool Throne: Matt Stafford is the highest paid QB in the league comments. (Jimmy G, Sheeeeeeeeesh)



Stons are putting themselves in a position for a playoff push


It would be a real shame if the Pistons met the Celts or the Raptors in the playoffs. With the addition of Blake Griffin, this Stons team is looking as competitive as ever going undefeated since the acquisition. The chemistry between the Great Blakes and Drummond is something I didn’t expect to click as fast as it has. Andre has been averaging 20+ boards a game since Blake got to the Motor City. Playing with an athletic big man is something Griffin is used to so Drummond can focus on what he does best, be a double double monster. The Pistons haven’t had a top 10-15 player like Blake so it is exciting to be able to rely on a star like him to put up 24/10/5 every game.

Stanley Johnson is also a big piece with this new team. With players like Tobias Harris and Avery Bradley being shipped to the clips (Don’t forget about the human victory cigar Boban), this will allow him to get more minutes and a chance for growth. The Stanimal has an incredible chance to become the Stons 3rd guy to provide athleticism, great defense, and an underrated scoring game. Coming out of Zona, you knew he would have a great chance to become a good player but he hasn’t had a huge impact like a Jaylen Brown has had with the Celts. If I could give one piece of advice though, cut those weird ass dreads. screen-shot-2018-02-08-at-3-13-34-pm.png

While the Cavs kind of cucked the entire NBA trade deadline, the Stons made a couple of moves that gives them some added depth to make their push. Trading for Jameer Nelson (still in the league) for an “Alleged” wife beater in Willie Reed can give them a little added guard depth while the Pistons are in a holding pattern waiting for Reggie Jackson to get back from his ankle injury. The jury is still out whether Reggie can have a positive impact on this Pistons team but I have made my decision to die on the Jackson hill. If Regg can return to even 80% of his form he had a few years back, he will be welcomed back with open arms. I just remember him torching the entire league in the forth quarter being an alpha with Drummond so hopefully he can return to form. The Pistons also made a trade with the Grizz for James Ennis III. While this trade isn’t a blockbuster trade like DRose to the Jazz, he will be a useful asset to back up Blake when he’s on the bench. For only giving up Brice Johnson (Had yet to play a game with the stons) this will be a solid move for bench stability. Don’t believe me? Brian “No Neck” Windhorst said it was a good trade and he is always very accurate.


Lets make some noise Stons (Win a playoff series). Look for the Pistons to get anywhere from the 8th-4th seed in the east. I don’t see why the Stons can’t get past the Heat, Pacers, Wiz, or 76ers.

PS: Stons play Clips friday on ESPN, lets goooooo (Eyes emoji)




NBA trade deadline never disappoints!


Ding dong the (5’8″) witch is dead! See ya IT. Egg on my face to assume that this was going to be a slow trade deadline. I thought that dumb fuck Gilbert was going to sit there with his thumb up his tuccus forcing Bron to leave but alas, sometimes I am wrong. This trade was about one thing and one thing only, getting that little speed bump on the next flight out of Cleveland as soon as possible. I am still very woke to the possibility that Danny Ainge gave IT some scratch under the table to implode this Cavs team and I’m going to be honest, It almost worked! That Cavs team had so many problems that I’ve never seen a LeBron James led team have and they all started with chemistry. Sure, shipping IT, Channing, and a gram pick for Larry Nance Jr. and Jordan Clarkson isn’t a huge move but getting that napoleon complex fuck out of town was the biggest part. Being able to keep Tristan Kardashian was big too because it seemed like every single mock trade included TT. The biggest thing this trade also did was add a jolt to a flatlining Cavs team which couldn’t come at a better time. I am so fucking excited for another finals run for bron bron and this trade is exactly what they needed. I am not saying this trade does anything for the future of LeBron James is a Cleveland jersey but it is clear that the management is ready to load up for a finals run.




I miss Kyrie Irving 😦

UPDATE: Our pets heads are officially falling off.




Stop me if you have heard this before, Matthew Stafford Leads Lions to comeback win in season opener.

What a god damn game. And that had nothing to do with the fact that I may or may not (definitely did) have some units on the game. The game started off pretty wonky with a Frat Stafford interception returned for a touchdown that had every Stafford hater harder than a diamond in an ice storm. Wasn’t the best start for the highest paid player in the National Football League but was it anything that we as Lions fans weren’t used to? There was something different about this game though. The defense came to play and really played inspired football even though it seemed like they kept being put in terrible situation time and time again. And don’t even get me started on the abortion that was our special teams. (Not talking to you Prater, you deserve all the rum and cokes your dad bod can handle). Not being able to field a long snap for an extra point is disgusting and not being able to simply punt a ball when that is literally the only thing you need to do while Sam Martin is hurt makes my skin boil but I digress.

While a win is a win, I feel like there are a ton of things that can be taken away from a game like this.

  1. Don’t give us points Vegas WHEN WE ARE AT HOME? +2 at the Den is downright disrespectful and I honestly don’t even feel right cashing the ticket. (But please do it as much as you want, me winning every time won’t break your bank)
  2. Jarrad Davis is the real deal. The rookie held his own in his first career start at linebacker and seemed to be in every single play. It is nice to finally have a little bit of stability at the linebacker position since the coveted Ernie Sims days so I am excited to see this core get more and more experience with each other. And don’t even get me started about his choice to go raw paw and not wear any gloves on those hands. Looks like a god damn Orc in middle earth and I for one am here for it.
  3. Is Kenny Golladay better than Calvin Johnson? My Column: Probably not but it is awesome to have some height again at WR because frankly as good as Marvin Jones and Golden Tate are, you need someone who you can just throw a ball up to and make a play. Also, everyone needs a little #MACtion in their life. The Northern Illinois Husky has been impressing all preseason as someone the lions can lean on and holy fuck did he ever show up. He had one for two drops early that could be blamed on nerves but he showed up big when we needed him most. I will take 2 TDs in a debut every single day and twice on Sunday.Screen Shot 2017-09-10 at 5.35.10 PM.png
  4. Matt Prater is the second coming of that weird looking fuck Jason Hanson (No offense ). 58 yarder? Dude is automatic. Liquor running through his veins. Not having stable kicking is something that can be an Achilles heel for a good team so it is nice to not have to worry about number fifth. Whoops, I meant 5.
  5. Our defense can get us out of some pretty precarious situations. Sometimes for better or worse, Stafford can get us into some with the best of them so it’s nice that our D can sometimes play as the eraser.
  6. Cardinals are a decent team but we cannot start games like we did today. Hopefully it will be a successful learning tool because if not, It will be Same Ole Lions all over again.

Next stop, Monday Night football baby!!

Lets go!! 1-0